YOU NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN

1. Go to the gym tomorrow morning. I mean it, dude! Just get your ass outta bed and go to the gym. You don't even have to be at work early.

2. For god's sake don't drink when the parents go away! They are going to Europe for a while and all I am responsible for is not letting the cats die of hunger and also not burning the house down, things that seem like monumental feats of skill when my own terrible behavior is involved. So I gotta say it somewhere in order for it to be said at all: just be good for a coupla weeks, okay scout?

3. Eat some more vegetables, girl. I was doing a mental survey recently of delicious fast food items I might get for breakfast near my workplace when very hungry, and realized that no place that is open early enough to get to before work sells anything containing vegetables! Except maybe like tiny flecks of parsley in a 3000-calorie breakfast sandwich egg patty. Now don't get me wrong, I eat shitty food like it's my job, but maybe just mayyybe I should eat some more green things for a while and see if I feel less terrible.

4. Remember Christmas? I don't, not really, but I did lose a bunch of weight by being on my feet all the time and also not having a lot of time to eat and generally feeling like a nonhuman robot. Like one time when I was getting out of the shower I was like Hey, ribs! Haven't seen so many of you in a while! Say hi to the organs for me! Which is creepy and all, but I think I just felt more fit in general. Like, nobody needs to eat as many desserts as I eat, but self-denial is hard and also no fun. So for now let's just say more vegetables, and speak nothing of the cupcakes.