YOU NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN

1. Go to the gym tomorrow morning. I mean it, dude! Just get your ass outta bed and go to the gym. You don't even have to be at work early.

2. For god's sake don't drink when the parents go away! They are going to Europe for a while and all I am responsible for is not letting the cats die of hunger and also not burning the house down, things that seem like monumental feats of skill when my own terrible behavior is involved. So I gotta say it somewhere in order for it to be said at all: just be good for a coupla weeks, okay scout?

3. Eat some more vegetables, girl. I was doing a mental survey recently of delicious fast food items I might get for breakfast near my workplace when very hungry, and realized that no place that is open early enough to get to before work sells anything containing vegetables! Except maybe like tiny flecks of parsley in a 3000-calorie breakfast sandwich egg patty. Now don't get me wrong, I eat shitty food like it's my job, but maybe just mayyybe I should eat some more green things for a while and see if I feel less terrible.

4. Remember Christmas? I don't, not really, but I did lose a bunch of weight by being on my feet all the time and also not having a lot of time to eat and generally feeling like a nonhuman robot. Like one time when I was getting out of the shower I was like Hey, ribs! Haven't seen so many of you in a while! Say hi to the organs for me! Which is creepy and all, but I think I just felt more fit in general. Like, nobody needs to eat as many desserts as I eat, but self-denial is hard and also no fun. So for now let's just say more vegetables, and speak nothing of the cupcakes.

I want to unbutton my cuffs on this shirt because it is kind of manly -- being as it is a man's shirt, size small, notably but not grossly oversized -- but I feel like being all covered up with the buttons is a nice safety blanket. It is becoming increasingly difficult to get dressed in the morning. I am running out of things that are clean. I could do some laundry but there are just so many things, and I'd have to prioritize them, including bedsheets and the comforter which I made a mess of the other night, long story, and besides, every night when I get home I just want to go to sleep. Though usually I will watch TV for an hour or two before this occurs. And then I wake up at seven or whatever and I am kind of mad that it is morning already. I am not much suited to consciousness this week.

Catalog of Physical Maladies Sustained Friday:
1. bruise, left elbow, as if from a fall
2. bruise, right elbow, more abraded skin than subcutaneous bleeding, as if from a fall
3. bruise, bottom of right knee, as if from a fall forward
4. bruise, upper right hindquarter, as if from a fall backward
5. bruise, mid-right thigh, front, as if from running into something solid
6. sore throat, not burning/stinging from cold or cough but deep muscular ache as if from prolonged alcohol abuse

I read that somewhere, that is makes your throat hurt something fierce. Fun week! It is going well. I am going bowling later.

Hey I almost learned how to use the internet! Right there is the crudest youtube video I could manage. I love how I occasionally remember that I have a webcam, which seemed like such an expensive dream six years ago and now it's a piece of crap attached to my computer that I notice when I'm drunk.

But! Whatever, it's entertaining. Kelly, I'm working on that comic. Those comics. The Janis one, I still need to think about that but I like it. As a bag lady myself, I find that it hits a little too close to home... Updates to come.

I feel like L, who I almost knew in college, is like when Daphne du Maurier fell in love with Ellen Doubleday -- though Daphne was born to good station and high intellect, Ellen was just so got-damn classy as to be untouchable. (Also she was married.) I wonder if I could have lunch with L when I am in the city in May, and thence to the Cloisters, and then illicit relations.

Hmmm. I should, naturally, be asleep.

SOME COMPLETELY SUPERFICIAL THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR LATELY

1. Last week I bought myself not one but six MAC eyeshadows. Sometimes when I drink I buy things on the internet; of all the drinking habits I have, I kind of enjoy this one. Sometimes I don't quite remember what it is, so when it arrives it feels like a present.
2. I read on facebook yesterday that Nicki Minaj is going to be on SNL later this month. Hey sassy!
3. These new jeans are almost obscenely tight. I want to wear them all week.
4. Just got some more perfume samples in the mail. One is an Etat Libre d'Orange scent inspired by Josephine Baker. I have no idea what that means.
5. The Gap must have some serious vanity-sizing going on, because these jeans are a size two. What! Am I back in middle school? Still, I'll take it.
6. I bought myself a ring yesterday. Had to get it resized and can't make it back that way until next week, or else I would be gazing into its fiery carnelian surface right now.
7. I made a bunch of cookies to send people, and then dragged my feet on the mailing for too long to keep them fresh, so now I am going to EAT ALL OF THEM MYSELF.

Okay, no, you can have some too.


WAIT WAIT -- MORE SHALLOW EXCITING THINGS: I FORGOT THE TEEVEE EDITION
8. The Real Housewives of New York City are back in February. Thank goodness.
9. RuPaul's Drag Race volume 3 comes back... sometime this month!
10. Also I just watched the first new episode of Californication. Something rappers and I have in common: loving that show. Carla Gugino is his lawyer! With any luck this will mean shirtlessness at some point. One only hopes. Am I right, Drake?

HEY YOU GUYS

Here is a list, only slightly behind the times! Called: Movies I watched in the year 2010. Anything really impressive in bold! Anything I really hated in italics.


Movies I Saw In a Theater 2010
1. It’s Complicated
2. Avatar
3. Daybreakers
4. Up in the Air
5. Crazy Heart
6. Das Weiße Band (The White Ribbon)
7. Shutter Island
8. She’s Out of My League
9. Alice in Wonderland (3-D)
10. The Runaways
11. The Ghost Writer
12. Robin Hood (2010)
13. Sex & the City II
14. Io Sono l’Amore (I Am Love)
15. The Kids Are All Right
16. Scott Pilgrim Versus the World
17. Machete
18. Easy A
19. The Town
20. Due Date



Movies I Saw at My House or Somebody Else’s House 2010:
1. Meatballs
2. Darby O’Gill and the Little People
3 The Hangover
4. McCabe and Mrs. Miller
5. Police, Adjective
6. Falling in Love
7. Harold and Maude
8. Das Schloß (The Castle)
9. Inglourious Basterds
10. District 9
11. The Hurt Locker
12. Benny’s Video
13. Young Man with a Horn
14. Fish Tank
15. The Last Picture Show
16. How to Marry a Millionaire
17. New York, I Love You
18. Bronson
19. The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant
20. Fame (the 2010 remake)
21. Blind Date (American remake of Theo van Gogh)
22. She-Devil
23. Boogie Woogie
24. The Jerk
25. Performance
26. The Wolfman (2010)
27. Paris Is Burning
28. Switch (1991, Blake Edwards)
29. Extract
30. The Oxford Murders
31. Like Stars on Earth (India)
32. Double Indemnity
33. Bringing Up Baby
34. Coffy
35. Caravaggio (Derek Jarman)
36. The Invention of Lying
37. Resident Evil (the original one)
38. Wild at Heart
39. Slumdog Millionaire
40. Donnie Brasco
41. Bigger Stronger Faster (documentary)
42. Blonde Venus
43. Get Him to the Greek
44. Zombieland (had already seen in theater)
45. Morocco
46. Grandma’s Boy (expunged of curses and fun by FX)
47. The Fabulous Baker Boys
48. Dog Day Afternoon
49. Wittgenstein (Derek Jarman)
50. The Crazies (2010 remake)
51. Zandy’s Bride
52. Dirty Harry
53. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Swedish one)
54. Next Stop, Greenwich Village
55. Zombie Strippers
56. Rebecca (1940)
57. Boondock Saints