YOU NEVER ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING IF YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN

1. Go to the gym tomorrow morning. I mean it, dude! Just get your ass outta bed and go to the gym. You don't even have to be at work early.

2. For god's sake don't drink when the parents go away! They are going to Europe for a while and all I am responsible for is not letting the cats die of hunger and also not burning the house down, things that seem like monumental feats of skill when my own terrible behavior is involved. So I gotta say it somewhere in order for it to be said at all: just be good for a coupla weeks, okay scout?

3. Eat some more vegetables, girl. I was doing a mental survey recently of delicious fast food items I might get for breakfast near my workplace when very hungry, and realized that no place that is open early enough to get to before work sells anything containing vegetables! Except maybe like tiny flecks of parsley in a 3000-calorie breakfast sandwich egg patty. Now don't get me wrong, I eat shitty food like it's my job, but maybe just mayyybe I should eat some more green things for a while and see if I feel less terrible.

4. Remember Christmas? I don't, not really, but I did lose a bunch of weight by being on my feet all the time and also not having a lot of time to eat and generally feeling like a nonhuman robot. Like one time when I was getting out of the shower I was like Hey, ribs! Haven't seen so many of you in a while! Say hi to the organs for me! Which is creepy and all, but I think I just felt more fit in general. Like, nobody needs to eat as many desserts as I eat, but self-denial is hard and also no fun. So for now let's just say more vegetables, and speak nothing of the cupcakes.

I want to unbutton my cuffs on this shirt because it is kind of manly -- being as it is a man's shirt, size small, notably but not grossly oversized -- but I feel like being all covered up with the buttons is a nice safety blanket. It is becoming increasingly difficult to get dressed in the morning. I am running out of things that are clean. I could do some laundry but there are just so many things, and I'd have to prioritize them, including bedsheets and the comforter which I made a mess of the other night, long story, and besides, every night when I get home I just want to go to sleep. Though usually I will watch TV for an hour or two before this occurs. And then I wake up at seven or whatever and I am kind of mad that it is morning already. I am not much suited to consciousness this week.

Catalog of Physical Maladies Sustained Friday:
1. bruise, left elbow, as if from a fall
2. bruise, right elbow, more abraded skin than subcutaneous bleeding, as if from a fall
3. bruise, bottom of right knee, as if from a fall forward
4. bruise, upper right hindquarter, as if from a fall backward
5. bruise, mid-right thigh, front, as if from running into something solid
6. sore throat, not burning/stinging from cold or cough but deep muscular ache as if from prolonged alcohol abuse

I read that somewhere, that is makes your throat hurt something fierce. Fun week! It is going well. I am going bowling later.

Hey I almost learned how to use the internet! Right there is the crudest youtube video I could manage. I love how I occasionally remember that I have a webcam, which seemed like such an expensive dream six years ago and now it's a piece of crap attached to my computer that I notice when I'm drunk.

But! Whatever, it's entertaining. Kelly, I'm working on that comic. Those comics. The Janis one, I still need to think about that but I like it. As a bag lady myself, I find that it hits a little too close to home... Updates to come.